Relate with your kids!

We believe that parents should be the primary sexuality educators of the children. Teens today are being bombarded with sexual messages from television shows, movies, music and current fashions. That’s why it’s more important than ever for parents to take time to talk with their children about making responsible sexual decisions. "Children" does not mean waiting until puberty.  Kids need to be raised with a healthy dialogue and modeling of sexuality.  A lot of times that simply means making sure your child understands what your value system is and your attitude about sexuality.  If you have waited and now your kids are teens, it is not too late.  Teens still want to hear from their parents on these issues.

     A 2002 study of 12 to 19 year olds showed that 53 percent said parents' values and/or religious beliefs influenced their decisions about sex above that of friends, the media or teachers. Also, more than two-thirds of these teens said it would be much easier for them to postpone sexual activity and avoid pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations with parents on these topics. 

     Sometimes, as a child "graduates" into "young adulthood" their personalities can change as they go through puberty.  They may be less like a cuddly teddy bear and more like a prickly cactus and less easy to relate to about issues they may feel embarrassed about.  This underscores the importance of trying to maintain a healthy dialogue from early on.  From the time they can talk, topics should be discussed as they are brought up by the child in a way that answers their question - and not much more - until you sense they are at an age/maturity where they need you to take the lead in introducing a certain subject.  Just because your 7 year old daughter asks, "What's sex?" you don't have to panic and give her the "A-Z" treatment.

“[Parents] should be talking to their children – not when they reach puberty, but from the time that they’re toddlers – from the time that they’re very young,” she said. “Try to make them feel comfortable talking about sexuality issues, including using proper names for body parts and teaching them what privacy is as they get into the 3- to 4-year-old age range, and respecting other people’s privacy – respecting other people.  Then move on into keeping the lines of communication open as pre-teens and teens.” - Rose Bridgeman is the community awareness chairwoman of the Adolescent Health Committee.

     If you have waited to talk to your child until they are teens, there is still much you can do for them.  Teens find it difficult to go to their parents with questions about sex. Common reasons teens give for not initiating discussions include concern about their parent’s reaction, worry that parents will think they are having sex, embarrassment, a feeling that they don’t know how to bring the subject up, and a belief that parents won’t understand.

     Even when parents believe they have talked with their teen about sex, the teen may not report that the conversation occurred. The same 2002 study noted above found that 72 percent of mothers surveyed claimed they had talked with their teens about sex, while only 45 percent of their teenagers felt their mothers had done so. This shows that it is important for sex-related conversations to be focused on the teen and not on the parent's ideas.  This will require asking questions just to see  1.If they understand what you said and 2. (more importantly) What kind of questions they are asking.

     Often hiding behind many questions about sexual development, sexual thoughts and sexual feelings is the unspoken question, “Am I normal?” Reassure your children as often as possible. Ask them why they want to know and what they already know. That may help you prepare your answer; then, tell your children why you feel the way you do.

     Talking is one thing, relating is another.  Knowing who their friends are and meeting parents of the friends your child visits is essential to stay on the same page as your child.  You do not want to invade their privacy, but you want to know who and what is influencing your child's development.

     “Help them realize that they themselves are a worthwhile person and that having children is a wonderful experience if you wait and do it when you have the maturity and the education to handle a family. Help them make good decisions. Help our adolescents have goals for higher education and try to stay on track toward those goals. Keep them involved in activities, whether it be sports or clubs. There’s a strong correlation between community involvement and volunteerism and not getting pregnant as a teenager.” - Rose Bridgeman

     Remember, those teachable moments are every parent’s chance to share and instill values. Even though we miss so many opportunities, we need to keep trying to take the time they need when they need it to discuss what is on their heart.  Tell your children that loving relationships and intimacy are natural and meaningful aspects of life, and that you care enough to answer their questions and lead them in good choices.

(adapted from different resources)